thoughts by ruby

Insanity

By the time anyone reads this... I will be okay. But right now, I find it important to record what is going on in my head. It's 9:15 pm Saturday night. I have been alone all day. Silence breeds insanity. Even with the tv on I can't keep my mind from venturing into the realm of the dellusional. To medicate means to walk into church tomorrow grumpy and ugly. If I medicate right now... I may as well stay home tomorrow. It's quite the hangover but it stops whats going on in my head right now. I could pick up the phone and talk to someone and snap out of it. It's just being alone that brings on the walk into the dark halls of my mind.

I just put on some music... Celine Dion... I find it hard to type due to the shaking. Controlling a mouse is a challenge. I think the music is making the shaking worse.

Am I in danger. Sometimes I think so.. but I think about what I could do then lay on the floor and the feeling passes. It's an ugly feeling.

I was asked me what it would be like if I could just lift myself out of everything... Right now I know that the only way to release myself from my mind is to dope myself up. Maybe I would just lay on a cloud high above the earth... a cloud lined with pillows, lots of pillows. Music would play and I would be lying in a peaceful embrace. There would be nothing I would be thinking of. Nothing I could remember... just listening to the music and being at peace. To get away from the thinking, the thoughts that torment me from time to time. I'm shaking and it's hard to type. It's kind of like having cerbal palsy. This isn't something that happens that often... Stress usually brings it on. Maybe work is stressing me out right now. I have to remember alot. I haven't told my new supervisor about my mental challenges... Don't know what difference it would make...

When I get like this It is better that I'm alone... I become like a 5 year old child...

It seems so ironic... I can share this rather personal experience with you... and yet I will go to church tomorrow and say nothing. How does one talk about it after the fact. Maybe this is a good thing too... maybe I'm not so alone...

Maybe what I'll do is take a half a sleeping pill.. It still knocks me out, but doesn't give me quite the mood hangover the next day. Even looking at the words I've managed to get into this post... should say that my sane thoughts are prevailing over the dark thoughts. Death is not an option anymore. I don't want to die... I just want to live without thinking like I do... to have good and pure thoughts... to have a mind that absorbs all the new information I need it to... to fuction at work... to remember what I need to remember... I just want to live and not be ashamed. Shame is a bad thing... It keeps a child of God from being in the centre of her destiny.

I think I should go now... I will be okay... really... this passes... but it's very real...

This verse is taped on my computer monitor..

"Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with a peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel" Phillipians 4:7


I belong to Jesus... so it doesn't matter how bad things get... I'm safe. It's beautiful, isn't it.. to be safe in Jesus' arms...

It's five minutes to ten... This took 40 minutes to write.. wow... I think I'm going to bed...thank you for eduring though this ramble...

posted by Ruby Voigt @ 9:02 PM